The last few months of my life have been strange. It’s mostly been my mental health that has not been on top. In May I moved. Not very far, I just moved into another apartment in my building, but it was still very stressful. The move happened very quickly and was only offered the apartment a few weeks before I made the move. The move had even been pushed forward due to some unforeseen circumstances, which made my life very anxious. I felt like I was living life on pause, not being able to do anything creative, or even tidy, in my own home because I didn’t know when I was going to move.
The move was also hard because change is very hard for me. It was emotionally difficult for me to leave the apartment I had called home for over four years, and I felt like I was betraying it by leaving. I felt all this even though the move was my choice and something I wanted to do. But I told myself that home isn’t the shell, it’ the things. It’s my bed, my vanity, my sewing machine, my coffee maker and most importantly, my boys.
Some small things have changed, I’ve gotten rid of my sofa and I’ve got two armchairs now, but I still feel at home here. I haven’t settled to 100% yet, but I’m getting there.
Around the same time that I moved, I ran out of antidepressants and I wasn’t able to pick them up for almost a month, which made life hard. Every time I am without them it affects me differently. This time I was angry and appatchic. I couldn’t do anything except just watch hours of Netflix and YouTube every day while laying in bed. Every time I had to talk to someone I would scream because I felt like I was about to explode.
My sleep also got worse. For weeks my days were between 5 pm and 5 am. Pretty much all of May is a blur and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces and get back on track. But it’s hard. Bad habits and routines are hard to break, even when I’m trying to replace them with good ones. But I am trying, and for now, that’s what matters.
Last week I started and finished a sewing project, and I am happy with the result. I prepare my coffee maker every evening before I go to bed so that I only have to press a button to brew a whole pot in the mornings. I’m using and loving my planner again and I am spending lots of time decorating it and making little things for it. My birthday is this week and I’m going to do all I can to make 22 better than 21.